Jessica Lindsay
Published December 3, 2025 6:00am
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Recognising your partner’s signals is key to improving (Picture: Getty)
If you’ve clicked on this article, you’re probably looking back on your past sexual encounters wondering whether your performance was up to scratch.
According to a survey by Superdrug Online Doctor, it’s a common fear, with almost a third (32%) of Brits suspecting they’re bad in bed.
But it’s not always easy to know if your bedroom skills are lacking – especially if your partner is a master at faking orgasms or the opposite when it comes to communicating their needs.
While the obvious way to find out for sure is to just come out and ask, you may be able to avoid the awkwardness by looking for signals before you request an official appraisal.
Everybody wants to feel like they’re the best a partner’s ever had, so it may be a blow to realise otherwise. Keep in mind though, only those who don’t make efforts to improve are truly irredeemable.
These 11 signs can give you a good indication you need some schooling in the sack, allowing you to pinpoint issues and turn things around.
You struggle to stay in the moment
According to Dr Lori Beth Bisbey, clinical psychologist, accredited advanced GSRD therapist, and intimacy coach, being unable to stay in the moment is ‘incredibly common’, but is a read flag ‘because great sex requires all parties to be present, connected and focused on each other and what they are doing.’
She recommends learning how to boost your attention by picking a sensation to focus on – a sight or sound – then returning to that one point of attention to get you back into the sex every time you lose focus.
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Is your mind wandering when you should be focusing on your partner? (Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto)
You don’t check in before, during or after sex
‘If you never ask what your partner likes and avoid any conversation before, during or after, it’s a sign you might be missing opportunities,’ Annabelle Knight, qualified couples counsellor and Lovehoney sexpert tells Metro. ‘Silent sex isn’t bad, but zero communication often means zero collaboration.’
She notes that this is easily rectified with simple questions like ‘What’s something you’d love more of?’, adding: ‘You’d be amazed how far a tiny bit of curiosity goes.’
Your partner avoids initiating
Annabelle explains that although this ‘can be a subtle sign that sex feels one-sided or not especially fulfilling for them,’ it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ‘bad’ at sex – just that something isn’t quite clicking.
‘Have a gentle conversation,’ she says. ‘Try something new. Switch up the routine. Toys, lube or outfits can help spice things up, if you haven’t already tried them. Shared enthusiasm is the sexiest ingredient.’
They’ve given up on giving you feedback
Sex and relationship coach Gemma Nice, on behalf of Superdrug Online Doctor, tells Metro: ”This can happen when communication has broken down for example, if they’ve shared feedback in the past but felt it wasn’t heard, they may have stopped trying.’
She continues: ‘It can also signal a kind of “quiet quitting,” where they’ve been considering distancing themselves from the relationship altogether.
‘To move forward, you’ll both need to create space for open, honest, and genuinely vulnerable conversations. Focus on using “I” statements rather than placing blame — it keeps the discussion grounded and constructive. Really listen to each other, without distractions, devices, or mentally rehearsing your next point.’
It’s all about communication (Picture: Getty Images)
You rarely last long enough for your partner to finish
According to Gemma, this can be an issue purely because of biology, as ‘Men usually last between five and seven minutes, whereas women typically take 20–30 minutes.’
That doesn’t mean you’re doomed, but communication becomes even more important. If you’re finishing long before your partner, you both need to talk openly about what feels good, how long certain types of stimulation should last, and what helps the most.
While climaxing quickly doesn’t make you a bad lover, not trying to help them orgasm too isn’t the mark of a good one.
You treat sex like a performance
Sometimes, you can be trying so hard to be brilliant in bed, it actually ends up having the opposite effect.
Annabelle notes that the best sex involves ‘two people co-creating a moment,’ so it’s important to treat it like an experience rather than a one-man show.
She adds: ‘Slow everything down. Focus on sensations, not self-critique. Ask your partner what they enjoy, and build from that instead of trying to impress.’
Your pleasure is the main focus
In a similar vein, if sex becomes more about your release than both partners’ enjoyment, it creates an unbalanced dynamic that rarely feels satisfying for either of you.
Gemma says this often stems from a lack of empathy or a struggle to read your partner’s cues. To course-correct, she suggests paying closer attention to their facial expressions, sounds and breathing – all of which will ‘give you a better indication as to what they like when they are touched.’
She also gives clients a simple exercise to help here: five minutes solely focused on giving pleasure, then five minutes receiving it. Alternating focus like this reminds you both that intimacy is a shared experience, not a solo mission.
Improving intimacy outside sex can be a game changer (Picture: Getty Images)
There’s no spontaneity
If sex has become predictable, routine, or stagnant, Gemma says the relationship may have slipped into a rut. Over time, this can lead to a ‘lack of intimacy or emotional security, and make the distance between the two of you larger’
The fix? Start dating each other again. Ask each other first-date questions, try new activities together, or commit to a weekly non-negotiable date night where you flirt with each other like you did before.
Gemma continues: ‘Start to build the emotional connection back up. Once you do this, things will start to come naturally.’
You don’t prioritise pillow talk
Rolling over the second sex is finished can unintentionally create feelings of rejection, Gemma says. Pillow talk is more than small talk – it’s a chance to reconnect and process the experience together.
‘If you don’t talk, it can make the other person feel rejected,’ she adds. ‘So talk about things you liked about your sex session. Talk about what felt good and what didn’t feel good. Always communicating how you feel can really help to build the bond back again.’
Comment now What do you think makes someone bad in bed?Comment NowYou constantly skip foreplay
Annabelle warns that too many people treat foreplay like optional admin before the ‘real’ sex starts. This is despite the fact most women ‘need consistent clitoral stimulation and plenty of build-up to feel satisfied.’
Extending foreplay, introducing toys, and shifting focus from penetration to pleasure can drastically improve the experience for both partners.
Gemma also adds that foreplay doesn’t just start in the bedroom, but actually ‘begins the second you finish your last sex session,’ through flirting, teasing, or sending playful messages that keep the anticipation alive. Without this, arousal becomes harder to access, lubrication decreases, and the whole experience can feel rushed.
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She advises using lube for physical comfort, but reminds couples that ‘communication is lubrication’ too.
Your partner always has to take the lead
Who makes the first move, chooses positions, or steers the pace of sex in your relationship? If it’s always on your partner, they may be tired of taking on the weight of the emotional and erotic labour.
Annabelle says this can make them feel like you’re not fully participating, so it’s important you try to take the lead at least occasionally – even if it’s out of your comfort zone.
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‘Take small risks – initiate a kiss, change positions, or suggest something you’d like to try,’ she adds. ‘Confidence (even in tiny doses) transforms the entire energy.’
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